Nothing Left

I went to the midnight showing of Twilight’s Breaking Dawn, and while watching the whole lovemaking part of their honeymoon phase, I couldn’t help thinking of my own honeymoon someday, and how awesome it would be if I could spend the week (or however long) making love with my lover. It would be fresh and new and exciting, with a wee bit of pain. We’d spend the time wrapped up in each other and enjoying our gifts to one another. We’d explore and discover the beauty and wonder of the other. Map out their perfection, something that would now be mine, all mine. I’d know secrets and have something no one else would have or know about.

But that’s not how mine will really be. Why? Because I have dashed it all to pieces. I have not saved you the honor, nor did you save yours for me. I’ve already given it all away, to you and one before you. What’s left to love and discover? Nothing. I feel you’re already bored with me… you’re not even focused on me.  We must add things, mix up positions, because it just being the two of us is not good enough for you. You have ideas of how it should be, and so do I, because we weren’t new to each other, we like things a certain way and it’s not with the other.

We’d have sex, but not make love. I miss making love. But then I think, if I were virgin and you my first, I wouldn’t and shouldn’t know any better. What we had would be all there is and I’d be satisfied. It’s not until one’s tasted something different that one craves it, if I had never made love, would I be craving it thus?

Sometimes I think that perhaps you do think you’re making love. You are a different person than my last and maybe this is it for you, this is how you show it. But I’m not feeling it on my end. I still feel used and unloved. You are not loving me. When you throw your tantrum if it doesn’t happen a certain way, you’re not loving me, you’re wanting sex and a satisfaction in a certain way, not caring or considering how I feel. Your robotic movements are predictable and formulaic, and I know your process by heart.  But then I flip back and think it’s my fault, I shouldn’t know any better. I should be satisfied with what you do. Deep down, I don’t think I believe this though.

Out of my dream and the movie is still going on. So what would I do on my honey moon? Maybe we’d explore the beach, discover the island… cook new foods together… exploring, discovering, new things… everywhere but with each other. Cuz we’ve already done that.

We have nothing left to give each other that we haven’t already given to someone else.

White Houses - Vanessa Carlton