In the winter of my life

I’m here, online, but hiding under the cloak of invisibility. I can see you but you can’t see me. I change my status to show that I’m online and your green symbol quickly disappears. You are either in hiding or have left altogether. Do you think I don’t notice you when you do that? Do you think you’re too quick for a lonely heart to see?

I’m here, spraying frost onto my legs, dripping a burning cold onto my perfect imperfections to turn them into your imperfect perfections. I curl up onto the bathroom floor as the cold and sticky canister rolls from my hand.  I can feel the chill spread from the infected point and consume me. I realize, it’s winter. I’m in the winter of my life. I pray it’s not a never-ending Narnian sort of winter. I lie there and wonder, how long have I been here? From whence did this winter of my life begin? When will the sun come and melt my surroundings.

I’m here, alone and lost. We’re going in circles… you speak, I speak, you speak, I speak… but does any of it mean anything? You’re not interested in me, not really. You don’t see me. I feel like I’m trying… must not be hard enough though.  The snow starts falling as you brush aside the signs.

I’m here, choking down poison through my tears, looking at the tattoo on my wrist and realizing I need more, more than this small reminder to give me motivation.

I’m here, in the winter of my life. 

"And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak." 

- Same Mistake, James Blunt